"Take a Walk on the Inside" – the opportunities are infinite in a lifetime

I am on another journey to “Take a Walk on the Inside”, the title of my book launched in October 2016.
My almost 2-year relationship ended a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend says to me, “I’m not committed. I’m not attracted to you and haven’t been since December. I’m not inspired.”
WOW – I had no idea what his reality is inside of our relationship.
I am unrecognizable to myself. I got his communication and I take full responsibility. I share that I see conversations where I’ve been demanding and critical – even adversarial. I ask what impact that has on him. I’m standing for my possibility of exquisite love and partnership that lasts a lifetime.
As I reflect on my Walk on the Inside, I see conversations missing – questions I didn’t have the courage to ask. I see where I was being in-authentic and the impact on him, me and us. I see moments in time where I stepped over stuff. As I explore my background conversation, said another way, my context – how I think about myself, men, relationship, love, intimacy and so much more, I am discovering what was hidden from my view. My journey is so rich with many “ahas” from the moments in time.
I have moments, sometimes minutes where I have to cause myself to remain inside of being responsible. Why? There is that smaller part of me who wants to blame; and wants to be angry with him being the bad guy. While that is part of my humanity; and natural, I know that gives me no power. I let myself feel what I feel; and then generate myself as the self-directed leader my entire life’s work is all about – courageously.  In that, I discover how big of a human being I am.
Your turn — for a moment:  Take a Walk on the Inside
Notice your own reaction – what is playing out in the background? What are the labels you are putting to me and to him? Notice — just notice.
I am in the inquiry to make the most and take the gold from this experience. I am in the process of completing the relationship, all the glorious moments, happy and fun times, victories, breakdowns and upsets. I am so grateful for sharing life intimately with him, for having an opportunity to love deeply and play full-out, such that I now know myself “newly” in this area of life.
This is what it is to “Take a Walk on the Inside” – when circumstances confront reality, stand in being responsible and play the game to master oneself. That is when we are present to our greatness!
If you are inspired by my story and recognize that the time may be now for you to “Take a Walk on the Inside”, you can email or message me for a copy of the book or order it directly at https://squareup.com/store/simply-more-inc

Trudy’s Book


BUILD THE FOUNDATION FOR MASTERFUL LEADERSHIP
Emotional intelligence is integral to being a great leader and is recognized as the distinguished skill set between leaders and managers.  Yet, the conversation in business about leadership is typically in the context of leading others.  How can you lead people or understand people, unless you lead and understand yourself?   The foundation of being an effective leader rests on mastering yourself and emotional intelligence.  This book promises to lead you to discover that which is unknown — already existing or pure potential; both of which give you access to being a great leader.
EXPAND YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
I promise you opportunities for discovery — many of them.  Please circle back to share your discoveries with me – I’d love to hear from you.
My invitation to you is for you to “Take a Walk on the Inside”.

Order Your Book Now

 

Are You Communicating Your Emotions Openly, Authentically & Congruently?

Emotional Intelligence: Self-Expression Composite
To summarize the self-expression composite: our goals are to increase awareness and understanding, giving us access to transform the most powerful lenses through which we experience life and our relationships — how we see ourselves and what we believe at an inner most level about ourselves. This composite focuses our awareness and understanding on how we express ourselves.
Self-expression is about how we communicate our own emotions openly, authentically and congruently – while being a match for the situation and people involved – in ways that enable us to produce our desired results. In other words, given we are emotional beings, self-expression is how we share and utilize our emotions to create the results and quality interactions we aspire to enjoy.
The human brain is designed to create patterns. These patterns go deep and wide, which is why there is agreement amongst thought leaders that self-awareness is the most important success factor in leadership and life in general.
Given we all have patterned communication styles, the work begins with understanding your dominant patterns. Once you clearly see how you show up, you can allow yourself to go deeper into the less obvious patterns and perhaps get closer to understanding how others experience you. What we talk about, and more importantly, how we talk about it determines what gets done and doesn’t get done. Success or failure / isolation or connection is created one conversation at a time.
This idea is the same as what Covey coined as the emotional bank account – each interaction of importance either builds or erodes trust. Our ability to being effectively self-expressed is key to the reputation we have with others. Are you someone who leaves people empowered and mobilized in action on the right things with clarity; or are you someone who leaves people cut off at the knees, feeling small and confused?
Developing yourself in the self-expression composite will increase your effectiveness and the results you produce through communication – both verbal and non-verbal. In the coming weeks as we dive into the three competencies that make-up of the self-expression composite, remember that the goal is to see yourself as others see you.
Get started: Gather markers matching the colored dots below or use shapes to distinguish each style (∆ ♥ ◊ ○ □). Name the important people in your life (some examples are included) and reflect on the specific situations that fall under the headings provided. Using the colors or symbols identify what you see as your pattern with each person in the different scenarios.
Self-Expression Exercise

Tune in over the next 3 weeks, to learn about the 3 Self-expression competencies:
• Emotional Expression
• Assertiveness
• Independence

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EQ Emotional Intelligence Assessments are based on composites and their competencies. Each week in this series of blogs I will explore a composite or competency and its importance and impact on leadership; and then provide an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency. I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca.

 

Emotional Intelligence: Understanding Emotions & Their Behavioural Impact

Self-Perception: Emotional Self-Awareness Competency

PositionalViewsEmotional Self-Awareness includes recognizing and understanding one’s own emotions. This includes the ability to differentiate between subtleties in one’s own emotions while understanding the cause of these emotions, as well as the impact they have on one’s own thoughts and actions, and those of others.
Neuroscience research shows that 80% of what we see is seen by the patterns in our brain vs. reality in front of us.  Research also shows that we only take in information that validates our context (views, opinions, perspectives, etc.).  In part, what is at play is our inherent need to be right. Examples of this are: a person sees their boss as “a jerk or a terrific person”, or a sibling who has a conflict with another family member will naturally blame it on that family member’s character.
While our brain has the capability to see multiple perspectives, we automatically live in one of two positions: Good – Bad | Right – Wrong | I like them – I don’t like them | I like this – I don’t like this. Self-awareness requires each of us to look in the mirror at ourselves and no one else.  Look at your own thoughts, feelings, triggers and experiences as your own.
Emotional Self-Awareness Activity: Notice the position you take | Notice the impact it has on your communication/relationships | Notice the quality of your life as a result of the positions you take.
Daily Emotion Log – Record the events and emotions for a week of your life, and take stock of how your behaviour influenced the outcome:

  • When:
  • Event:
  • Emotions Experienced:
  • Behaviour:
  • Outcome:

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EQ Emotional Intelligence Assessments are based on composites and their competencies. Each week in this series of blogs I will explore a composite or competency and its importance and impact on leadership; and then provide an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency.  I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca.

Emotional Intelligence: The Willingness to Persistently Try to Improve Oneself

Self-Perception: Self-Actualization Competency

Self-Actualization is the willingness to persistently improve oneself, fulfill our potential and capabilities and; engage in the pursuit of personally relevant and meaningful goals, such that we live a life we love.
It can be as simple as giving yourself permission to honor what really matters to you!  For many of us, we know way more about what we don’t want, than what we do want.  In my work as an executive coach, I see people getting focused and even stuck on what they don’t want.  The saying “what we resist, persists” is true.  When we think and speak about what we don’t want (what didn’t work out, or didn’t meet our expectations, etc), we are actually feeding energy into that experience therefore keeping it alive in our reality.  The way to grow from an experience of something you don’t want is to consider, what it is that you really want.  In other words use that contrasting experience to clarify what we really want and what matters to us.
Many of us are so busy trying to be successful, we don’t make time for connection with those that are important to us, for those important conversations to discover, learn and appreciated.  We are too busy to step out for a few moments in silence with ourselves, too busy to say “I love you” and “Thank you”, too busy to reflect on our successes; too busy to enjoy the journey as we are in pursuit of some destination, and certainly too busy to be happy.
Defining Success:  Self-actualization is directly correlated to how you define success in life.

  1. Write down your definition of success.
  2. Ask yourself “Is this (what you wrote), what truly matters to me and has me be fulfilled?”
  3. Re-define success.

Years ago, my only measure of success was based on the dollar number I made, which translated into what I wore, drove, and had.  I’ve re-defined my personal success statement several times and I review it often particularly when I shift into a different life-cycle both in family and business.    The following is my current success statement:
“I am ever expanding and becoming my best self.  I am on purpose, doing what I love to do, creating and experiencing abundance of life, joy, love and opportunity.  I am prosperous — flourishing in health, experiencing peace and plenty.  I have freedom to pick people and projects to work with.  I am accomplished and satisfied with a lifestyle of choice and opportunity.  My kids are living a life they love, healthy, fulfilled and expressed. I am intimately sharing all that life has to offer with a great man while enjoying the pleasure of beautiful family and friends.”

Self-Assessment:  Reflective questions

  1. What would I be doing if I were not this busy?
  2. What moves and inspires me at the core of who I am?
  3. Who could I be and what actions could I take to expand those experiences in my life?
  4. If I could not fail, who would I be? What would I be doing? What would I have?
  5. Do one thing every day to breathe life into what you discovered in your answers.

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EQ Emotional Intelligence Assessments are based on composites and their competencies. Each week in this series of blogs I will explore a composite or competency and its importance and impact on leadership; and then provide an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency.  I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca.

 

EQ Emotional Intelligence: Do You Keep Promises to Yourself?

Emotional Intelligence Self-Perception: The Self-Regard Competency

A thermometer with mercury bursting through the glass, and the words Confidence Level, symbolizing a positive attitude
Self-Regard is respecting oneself while understanding & accepting one’s strengths and weaknesses. It is often associated with feelings of inner strength & self-confidence.
The single fastest way to grow your self-confidence and self-esteem is to keep the promises you make to yourself. I was in Dubai in January 2015 for a leadership program at Zayed University called “Being a Leader”.  One of the facilitator’s questions to us was “Do you care enough about yourself to honor your word, particularly those promises you make to yourself?”
As an executive coach, I see examples in the workplace where leaders promise to take action within a timeframe; and don’t.  In 2009, I made a promise to my dad to love him unconditionally.  About a month ago, I was reacting to something he said with criticism and anger.  As a result, there was an erosion of affinity in our relationship impacting both him and I, given I didn’t honor my promise.  In my own life, I’ve diminished my well being, sense of peace and personal power when I’ve not honored my promise to myself about health in my exercise and lifestyle eating regime.
“Put simply, people consistently act inconsistently, unaware of the contradiction between their espoused theory and their theory-in-use, between the way they think they are acting and the way they really act.” Chris Argyris, 1991, Teaching Smart People How to Learn (Harvard Business Review: May-June) 
Self-Regard Awareness Activity: Identify and acknowledge all the promises you’ve made and not kept in the areas noted below.

  • In the workplace
  • In my personal relationships & life
  • In my relationship with myself

I encourage you to address the less than positive impact with a simple apology and acknowledgement of the impact that made.  Then make a new promise in the area – if it really matters to you – and design a structure (actions and time-frames) that enables you to fulfill it.  If you authentically aren’t committed to taking action, care enough about yourself to accept yourself as you are and as you are not.  Taking action to acknowledge the impact will restore your integrity resulting in a “bigger” experience of yourself.  Said another way, your confidence will expand.

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EQ Emotional Intelligence Assessments are based on composites and their competencies. Each week in this series of blogs I will explore a composite or competency and its importance and impact on leadership; and then provide an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency.  I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca.
Related blogs in this series:

Emotional Intelligence Self-Perception Composite

How do you see yourself? Emotional Intelligence.
What Matters Most is How YOU See YOURSELF!
While we have many lenses that we see and experience the world through; the lens that has the strongest hold on us is our self-concept. In other words, the way we see and perceive ourselves dictates how we experience others, ourselves and our life. More often than not, our self-concepts are not perfectly aligned with reality and yet we live as though those views and thoughts (self-concepts) are true, real and unchangeable.
For example a teenage girl thinks she is fat and is in fact anorexic, or a man is driven to provide for his family when in fact, he has more money than what could be spent in 2 lifetimes.
Bracken (1992) suggests the 6 domains related to self-concept are:
Social – the ability to interact with others | Competence – ability to meet basic needs | Affect – awareness of emotional states | Physical – feelings about looks, health, physical condition, and overall appearance | Academic – success or failure in school | Family – how well one functions within the family unit
Self-Perception Awareness Activity:  Write a list of the self-concepts you have based on the domains above in the 2 categories we commonly label ourselves and situations as: Positive and Negative.
This exercise expands your understanding and awareness in how you think about and see yourself, enabling you to be deliberate in living in and from empowering self-talk.  This fulfills the goal of growing your Emotional Intelligence because creating a new context about yourself, transforms how you show up in the world as you lead and engage in conversations.
Example:
Empowering & Positive Self-Concepts: I am… A good listener, Great with people, A happy go lucky person, Dedicated, Enthusiastic
Disempowering & Negative Self-Concepts: I am… Intense,  Not a quick thinker, A procrastinator, Shy,  Not smart enough
Tune in over the next 3 weeks, to learn about the 3 Self-Perception competencies:
• Self-Regard
• Self Actualization
• Emotional Self-Awareness

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EQ Emotional Intelligence Assessments are based on composites and their competencies. Each week in this series of blogs I will explore a composite or competency and its importance and impact on leadership; and then provide an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency. I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca.
Related posts in this series:

How EQ Works – The Assessments

Emotional Intelligence can be assessed using EQ-i 2.0 and EQ360°. This is how they work.
EQ-i 2.0 – Self-Assessment 
This assessment enables you to measure and assess the skills that actually predict your future leadership success; and some say it predicts your trajectory for life success.  Why?  Emotional Intelligence is the competencies that form the foundation of communication, relationships, leadership, motivation and high performance.
Statistics show that 85% of people on leave are as a result of high stress which means they are not coping with life demands and day-to-day pressures.
EQ360° – Multi-Rater Assessment:
This assessment allows an individual to be anonymously rated by a diverse range of people in their lives – upward (manager/senior leaders), and downward (direct reports), peers (inside or outside of your company), and family and friends.  The assessment is an effective avenue to receive candid and accurate feedback, allowing the leader to understand how his/her effectiveness as a leader, employee, coworker or staff member, is viewed by others.  Brian O’Reilly of Fortune Magazine wrote, “Only about a third of managers produce self-assessments that match what their co-workers conclude.”
The value of the multi-rater assessment is far reaching.  For the leader being assessed, it is a tool which focuses growth and change efforts.  It increases the leader’s capacity to lead meaningful change while facilitating learning opportunities and developmental conversations.  Further to that it clarifies expectations and perceptions, thereby increasing understanding.  It allows your people/team to contribute which:

  1. Delivers a message that says they are important and their opinion is valued
  2. Expands the potential for open dialogue
  3. Increases employee engagement
  4. Involves the team to create change

“What a gift it would be to see ourselves as others see us!”  

~Robbie Burns

Both assessments are based on EQ competencies and composites. Each week in this series of blogs, I will explore a competency or composite with an opening that explains its importance and impact on leadership, coupled with an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency. I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca.
Related blogs in this series:

  1. Emotional Intelligence: What is it and why do you need to know about it?

Emotional Intelligence: What is it and why do you need to know about it?

I participated in a workshop offered by Dov Baron who said, “If you aren’t actively learning, then you are passively dying.  In the coming months, my goal  is to invite and inspire you to grow your emotional intelligence skills; and therefore your leadership.
Each week in this series of blogs, I will explore an EQ competency or composite with an opening that explains its importance and impact on leadership, coupled with an exercise to help you expand that particular composite or competency.  I encourage you to buy a journal for the walk into your greatness, to do the work thoughtfully, and share your discoveries and challenges with me – either through the comments section of this blog or at trudy@simplymore.ca. But first, what is Emotional Intelligence?
Defining Emotional Intelligence…
Emotional intelligence is a set of emotional and social skills that:

    1. Influence the way we perceive and express ourselves
    2. Make it possible to develop mutually satisfying relationships
    3. Enable us to deal with challenges
    4. Allow us to use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters…
The bulk of issues confronting organizations are directly correlated to:

  1. Faulty communication
  2. People’s inability to understand how they and others function
  3. Failure to see matters from someone else’s perspective
  4. Blindness to the impact our own actions have on others

Aristotle said “Anyone can get angry – that is easy.  But to be angry at the right person at the right time and for the right purpose and the right reason in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power; and that is not easy!!” 
Emotions make smart people stupid! 
All of us have had the experience of being hijacked by our emotions or dealing with someone who has been hijacked by emotional reaction.  The impact of the hijack is often distance between us and others; as well as an experience of loss of control, righteousness, or the opposite being embarrassment.  Emotional Intelligence gives us access to being responsive in and to life.  Said another way, rather than living at the effect of circumstances and people, we are being deliberate in our approach and responses to circumstances and people.
Success…
is a personal definition; yet it can be defined in a generic way for all human beings.   I invite you to accept that a global definition for success is “the ability to set and achieve your own goals”. That said, what is required to fulfill on this definition of success is directly correlated to the 5 core composites of Emotional Intelligence – Self-Perception – how you see and think about yourself, Self-Expression – capacity to be expressed and engaged in communication, Interpersonal – the way in which you interact with people, Decision Making – the ability to produce desired results from decision making factors; and finally Stress Management – the power to be effective and in action in the face of challenges.  Good relationships and coping strategies are keys to our success and happiness.
Automaticity of being human
Our brain is wired to conserve energy and pattern the way we behave, listen, think and act.  Today, neuroscience is saying that 80% of what we see is determined by the patterns of our brain rather than seeing the reality in front of us objectively.  It takes an ever expanding level of personal mastery founded on the suite of emotional intelligence competencies to confront the automaticity of being human.  Simply said, Personal Mastery is the ability to manage oneself effectively in any circumstance.
The Science
Scientific knowledge about emotional intelligence exists as a result of research that relies on tests and measurements.  It is a level “B” psychometric assessment that measures exactly what it is designed to measure.  It is proven this is a valid measure to assess and predict success which has been verified to cross race, culture and genders.  Furthermore, it shows that regardless of age, these competencies and skills can be developed which is why there is a version of EQ-i for youths.
Distinguishing IQ from EQ
IQ is in the domain of intellect which includes analytical, logical and rational abilities.  The IQ domain contains verbal, spatial, visual, and mathematical skills; and consists of how we retain and use information, how we learn and utilize reasoning, manipulate numbers and solve problems as examples. This article by Daniel Goldman defines what it is to be emotionally intelligent.
“Emotional Intelligence is an array of non-cognitive capabilities, competencies, and skills that influence one’s ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.”                 
Dr. Reuven Bar-On, 1997
Performance Lies in the Health of the Team Members’ Relationships! 
Emotions create connection or separation.  Emotions strengthen or weaken relationships.  Further to that, emotions affect teams, families, communities and immune systems.  Emotions impact thoughts, words and actions – on all levels.  Emotional Intelligence is the suite of competencies giving us the ability to manage our own emotions, be aware of another’s emotional state and deal with the emotional climate in the relationship (space in between us).
 Join me next week as I explain the EQ Assessments.

What results do your conversations produce?

Lost and Confused Signpost
I’m facilitating an executive coaching dialogue with a client who is expressing some frustration as a result of a blowup he had with another senior leader the week before.  Our exploration led him to recognize he goes about his day with general ideas on what he wants to get done.  He goes into his conversations with his ideas, opinions, reactions, assumptions and conclusions about what’s going on for others in the face of getting things done and dealing with everyday challenges.  This leaves little space for others to share their experiences and contribute to the conversation.  It was a privilege to facilitate his discovery about how his opinions, conclusions and assumptions impact people and his conversations, and specifically; the results his conversations do or don’t produce.
One of the principles in Fierce Conversations® is to “take responsibility for your emotional wake”.   Not unlike a boat creates a wake in the water, we (each of us) and our conversations create an emotional wake with people.  How do you and your conversations leave people?  — In an aftermath or a state of empowerment?  Access to leaving people empowered and you being effective requires being purposeful, intentional and/or deliberate.  How often are you deliberate in your interactions?  How purposeful are you as you engage in your work each day?
A tool to use at the “speed of life”….
1, 2, 3: Now!™

  1. Stop – Take stock of your thoughts, feelings & attitude(s) as you leave the last time block (interaction and/or experience)
  2. Identify the Next Time Block (Interaction and/or Experience)  – Consider who & what this next interaction involves; presence your thoughts, feelings & attitude
  3. Create an intention/purpose for what you want to accomplish in this next block of time (Interaction and/or Experience) I’m committed to / I’d love to / want to… Be, Do, Have

My challenge to you is use this tool each morning for 30 days.  Let me know your results and experiences.
Connect with me,
Trudy
trudy@simplymore.ca
https://twitter.com/TrudyPelletier
https://www.facebook.com/SimplyMoreInc.