Think back to times when you’ve been busy defending your position, telling your story, building the case for why you are right and the person or situation is wrong.
What’s this all about?
In a word – Control. People who need to be right may be insecure; if they get validation from others, it means they’re in control. When they’re in control, they can make things turn out the way they want to happen.
It’s all a myth. Being in control is an illusion. When we believe we can controls things, nothing bad will happen. But you can’t control people—you can’t make them do what you want them to do all the time. Being in a struggle for control is a zero sum game.
Related: Simply More offers Emotional Intelligence Workshops.
Black and white thinking
Try to live in the gray. There are thousands of shades of gray on the spectrum from black to white. Each of them provides a much richer telling of a story that is rarely as clear as this or that. Right vs. happy is more about the desire to be in control.
Our egos react when we feel we’re being attacked. We get on the bandstand with a megaphone or respond with a sledgehammer. All this does is help to build resentments. We dwell on the negativity, giving up valuable real estate in our minds to situations as we replay them over and over again. And we bring those negative emotions into new relationships, keeping us stuck in the past.
Here are some of the ways we behave when we’re stuck in this unhealthy pattern of needing to be right:
The Daily Victim. We wake up each day and rehearse the role of victim when we’re unwilling to forgive, holding tight to past hurt and resentment, replaying it in our minds repeatedly. This automatic replay reinforces the ego’s illusion and strengthens our victim perception. Eventually we identify so closely with the role of victim that we begin to establish that dynamic in many or all our relationships.
The Angry Boxer: When the ego feels attacked, its immediate response is to fight back. The ego believes in fear and in a cruel, merciless world Its always on the alert for another attack. Defensive thoughts and energy develop into a wicked cycle, creating more negative experiences.
The Shut-Down and Protected: The ego convinces this person to isolate from the world for fear of being hurt again. The result is living small and evading all potential conflict by avoiding intimacy completely.
Letting go of the need to be right and surrendering to forgiveness is the only way out of this nightmare. If we truly want to enjoy relationships, we need to respect others have a right to their opinion and there is more than one perspective in any situation.
Related: Simply More is an Executive Business Coach and Communication Consultant.
Choosing happiness is a full-time job
There are always as many choices as there are pros and cons and multiple views in every experience. Allow yourself to see choice and then choose the best one:
- Let go of your need to be right.
- Stop playing the blame game – although a natural human being reaction, it leaves you powerless.
- Be willing to be responsible for the square you are standing on in your life and in relationships.
- Remember, our view is formed by a number of thoughts that create an experience in which we live as “the” reality. There are a number of ways to view any situation.
- Ask yourself, “What is it that I’m not seeing?”
- Be willing and open to think differently and therefore see another view
- Be compassionate – a willingness to see that you and they are doing the very best with all that is known
“Admitting you were wrong about something isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of objectivity and maturity” – Unknown
“There are no facts, only interpretations.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Some questions to ask yourself
- When in the middle of a conversation or situation, how often are you willing to try on other perspectives that may give you a clearer view?
- Where do you play the blame game? How does it impact your life?
Leadership Wisdom – Robin Sharma
Bookclips: My role as a leader was really about freeing people’s strengths and allowing them the freedom to develop themselves….keys to this: keep my promises, listen aggressively, being consistently compassionate and becoming fanatically honest.
Reclaiming Higher Ground – Lance H.K. Secretan
Bookclips: Vince Lombardi was not a fan of fear and intimidation. He led with love creating exhilaration within his team. He coached them to greatness with love!
Changing Your Perspective: http://www.thechangeblog.com/seven-creative-ways-to-change-your-perspective/
Changing Perspective to Solve Problems: http://timmilburn.com/5-questions-that-will-change-your-perspective-not-your-problem
The Cost of Being Right: http://www.douglasmagazine.com/resources/46-miscellaneous/91-the-huge-cost-of-being-right.html
Related: Simply More is a Business Consultant in Calgary specializing in executive coaching, team facilitation, and leadership training